Just like this blog.
Ok, so, Kara asked me to go see a movie on Saturday. Sure, ok. It’s 60 degrees outside after negative fuck you degree weather with ice and shit storms snowing down on us for god knows how many days. But ok, yeah, 60 degrees, let’s go inside where it’s warm and watch a movie. In her defense, it was raining. And I do like movies.
So, she picks me up in her fancy white car…because she’s racist and refuses to buy anything black or brown or even slightly red because it resembles an asian and she hates asians almost more than she hates black people.
Kidding. Her car is white because that’s the color it came in.
But she’s still racist.
Kidding. She doesn’t even own a car.
So, she picks me up in her car and drives me to Mara’s. Who? Exactly. No, I know Mara. She’s been her friend since god knows I don’t. Or could care, but still, they are pretty damn close. Close enough to get this angry at each other over nothing that no one would actually care about except for Michael. Actually, Michael and I have gotten into many of these types of conversations. Not conversations. Arguments. Fights. Verbal wars where no one wins but anyone involved is in fact an utter loser. Making me a loser because I was involved. I was there. To witness this atrocity take place. And all I wanted to see was a movie. A good movie. not a bad…damnit Danielle, I’m trying to write my blog.
Sorry. Danielle interrupted me about a change that didn’t need changing and now I’ve lost my place in line. Forgive me. Oh yes, movies. No Mara. No, shoes. Boots. Whatever.
They fought over boots. Kara and Mara. So basically, Mara’s been sick for like twenty years and after we stopped playing the world’s saddest song on the worlds smallest violin and entered her apartment, she so graciously asked us to remove our shoes to which I of course obliged because really, who am I to argue with the request of the person who lives there? But Kara wasn’t having it. She had on boots. Boots that took hours to put on and half hours to take off. And apparently when Kara does go over to Mara’s she never has to take her shoes off but this time, the time I showed up only wanting to see a movie, but instead was forced to watch this showing of inhuman human behavior dissect itself before my troubled eyes, Kara was asked to remove her shoes. Boots. Whatever. The real problem wasn’t the removal of the boots. The real issue. The true ailment in Kara’s mind was that Mara was traipsing around in her shoes. Boots. Whatever!
And that’s when it started. For four hours they argued. Ok, not four hours, but awhile. Too long to argue about boots or bras or any sort of clothing or maybe even furniture but not too long to rant about the double crossing of sleeping with someone’s boyfriend even though that never happened, I’m just saying it would have been a much more entertaining conversation to watch. But this was about shoes. Boots. Whatever!
And Kara was livid. How dare she take off her boots when she never has to take off her boots and all this while Mara, the requester. The resident. All this while Mara had her boots on. But Mara claimed her boots were clean and in fact tested this hypothesis turned theory by licking the bottom of her right boot at the request of Kara. To which we all screamed. Only my screams were over something entirely different. For while they were arguing about shoes. Boots. Whatever. My taste buds were being raped by the delicious dietary flavor of a one mister Sunkist who I started protesting against to Mara but was quickly debriefed on how tasty the diet Kist actually is which sent me into a screaming frenzy right as Mara was licking her right shoe. Boot.
WHATEVER!!!
Apparently Mara washes her boots with soap and water everyday when she gets home. But apparently this did not satisfy Kara the way that DiKist was satisfying me. For she kept arguing and defending and Mara kept yelling and bitching and the two of them together kicked up more unnecessary necessities than a footless foot soldier at a shoe store.
At one point, Kara threatened to leave and told me to leave too but I wasn’t done with my drink and I really wanted to see the movie, so I demanded that she sit back down, to which she did. And finally the two of them stopped arguing. And I finished my Diet Sunkist. And we saw the movie. And it was worth it.
Until everyone came to my house and I insisted that they all take off their shirts. Bras. Whatever!!!
