The Moral of the Story is There is No Moral.

Kara had a birthday. And everybody came. The entire city of Chicago showed up. And I knew maybe four of them. But Kara seemed to know all of them, and since it was her birthday, I guess that made sense.

It was cool not really knowing anyone. And watching them all know each other it up all night long. I played on my phone for a little while. A lot of awhile actually. And got called out on it. “Why the fuck do you keep playing with your phone?” This rude gentleman demanded to know. “BECAUSE IT GETS ME!!!” We didn’t talk the rest of the night. I might have overreacted. Might have transfered some of my own self-defecating deprecation a little to outward bound for this fellow. I saw him in the bathroom later that night. He started shaking while pulling up his zipper. “Here…tttttake it. It’s yours.” And then he ran out of the stall. Then, even later that night, as the alcohol in his body started giving him more confidence, he ran up behind me and smashed a beer bottle over my head. It was made of plastic. But still, it wasn’t very nice of him. When I turned around, he started running away, babbling on about Jesus and The Devil and the second coming and other things I’m making up as I go along because none of this is true. Well, he did ask me why I was on my phone and I told him because I was checking football scores. He didn’t believe me. He shouldn’t have.

This other guy was playing on his phone, too. I don’t think he really knew anyone either. But he pulled it off.

He looked liked the type of guy that could get away with looking up football scores on his phone. I look like the type of guy who acts like I’m checking football scores on my phone when really, I’m just typing text messages full of gibberish to someone that might or might not even exist. I might or might not have done that once or twice. And accidentally sent one of them to someone who doesn’t exist. The text back was quite rude.

I lied. I don’t even know how to text.

Wait. I don’t even know someone named Kara.

Actually, I do and her party wasn’t horrible. It would have been better had there been at least one other childhood friend of MINE there. But there were only childhood friends of everyone else there. They all had inside jokes. And made inside comments about inside things that only people on the inside would understand. It was getting chilly outside. And I really wanted to come inside. But there was really nothing for me to say.

I did meet Kara’s brother…again. Well, he met me for the first time for the third time. Someone introduced us. “Have you met Judd?” This happened on two previous occasions. The first I was expecting “no” as a response. The second time, maybe, ok, sure, it slipped his mind that we have shaken hands in a meeting of firsts before. But this time, the third times a charm time, I waited for a sly laugh and an extended hand followed by a joyess “Yes I know Judd!” But there was only a hand followed by a “No, I’m Kara’s brother. Nice to finally meet you.” Finally?

This would ruin my night.

Not really. But that mixed tape I made for him would definitely seem inappropriate at this juncture.

He’s a nice guy. Comes off like he owns the town. I don’t think he does. But he comes off that way. Like how I act when I’m in my own comfortable surroundings…at home…in my room…with the dog…

No, actually, she owns me, so that didn’t really work as a good example.

Kara’s brother had a friend who I’m assuming is also Kara’s friend. I found out later he was one of the twins in that movie Overboard with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn. Now, this made my night. Considering I’ve seen that movie enough times to know more lines in it than he does because I asked him if he was the kid that said “I’ve been up all night pacing,” and he pounded his fist on the table and angrily yelled at me, “I don’t remember! I’m too Hollywood to remember who I played in what movie and what I actually may or may not have said in said movies and why are you even existing in my world right now? Get back outside!” So I came off as the stalker. And it was awkward when he realized I was the guy that sent him all those letters and cakes and photos and flakes of skin…but it was really weird when I told him that I’ve never actually seen the movie Overboard and in fact, I thought he meant that me playing on my phone, not checking football scores and texting gibberish to no one was a little overboard. I asked for his autograph and he kicked me in the face.

Boy is his face red. I have seen Overboard. A lot.

Things went overboard later that night when one of Kara’s brother’s friends threw a roll of toilet paper at this girl who was smoking. The toilet paper caught on fire from the cigarette which caused the girl’s hair to explode in flames and so she’s screaming and running around trying not to die and the guy who threw the toilet paper is throwing more rolls of toilet paper at her because he thinks somehow they will smother the flames. But they’re not. They’re just encouraging the flames and the girl’s still screaming and her face is melting and Kara’s brother is introducing himself to me every thirty seconds like he has constant amnesia and Overboard is trying to kick the flames off the girl who isn’t screaming anymore because she’s passed out from the pain. And I’m trying to decide if it’s cool that I finish my cigarette because they are really expensive in this city and it’s not like the roll of toilet paper came anywhere near me but it doesn’t taste as good when you’re looking at some girl who’s laying on the sidewalk clasping on to her own skin, who’s awake again, screaming, horrible horrible screams that stormed the streets and alleys. And then I realized I had to use the bathroom and thought it might be even more inappropriate to take one of the rolls of toilet paper with me, so I just flicked my cigarette out and accidentally hit Overboard who started yelling at me. Something about who the hell do I think I am and do I know who the hell he thinks he is and blah blah blah. So the only thing I could think to say was, “Whoa, don’t go Overboard.” The shrieking stopped. Everyone stood still and stared at me. And then, we all burst out in to laughter. Even char-grilled. So, Kara pulled her up and everyone started going back inside. Then, Kara’s brother turned to me and asked if I was coming with them…inside. To which I happily replied, “No.”